Champions of LGBTQ life and culture in Rochester, NY since 1973.
Tuesday November 21st 2017

Insider

Archives

//Ambiguous Statements//

By Spencer Perez

 

The only consistency I have had in my life is inconsistency.

I have been called an enigma wrapped in a paradox. Or a paradox wrapped in an enigma. Either way, it is true.

I never fit in, or out. I was always somewhere in between.

I have been told that every day I look like a different person. No one style. No one label. No one meaning.

This ambiguity made me into the local bête noire. A jack of all trades, just not any “good” ones.

You see, imaginary reader, people often tend to dislike things they cannot understand. People often pick fights with people they deem as different.

I have spent years, trying to fit myself into a perfect puzzle piece. However, no matter what I did, I always came out jagged around the edges. My inner layers didn’t match my outside folds. My core didn’t represent my exterior. I was never “right”.

I don’t really understand who makes up the rules of what is “right” and what is “wrong”, because no matter what I did I never belonged.

I could chose to make a statement about how harsh society’s jaded perception of reality really is. I could chose to fight every waking moment I live, defending my right to be who I am, and not what they want me to be. I could denounce who I was, rather, who they thought I was, and shock them with who I will become. I can start riots and fits all while raising my palms and making a fist. I can do all of this. I can be as fearless as my dad was when he was my age, be brave like my mother always said I was. I can become who I want to become.

However, that still doesn’t make the silence any less easier to succumb. The truth is imaginary reader, over the years all this fighting has made me turn numb. Honestly I feel dumb half the time, as if my voice can never reach the amount of decibels it will take to cause an earthquake on society’s wrongful take on what makes a person a human.

For a while I was filled with nothing but despair, it was like for a moment I had it all and watched my doubt sink in and my hopes slip into air. I was drowning myself in sorrow and fear from all the years that I couldn’t save anyone, let alone myself.

I thought about ending things for a long time. I thought that maybe in death my words will resonate with all the people once filled with hate. Then I realized I don’t want to be another tortured artist who doesn’t get recognized until their death. While it may be okay to idolize all the strides they took in their lives, their endings don’t have to become mine. I want to stick around to see my actions make people proud. I want to be around to witness not having fear of being here, and queer; I want everyone to hear me cheer on true progress that will never digress into something less.

You see, everyone feels pressured to conform the norms of the world. However, few realize, that the world that is portrayed  is far more filled with hate than the world that we are truly living in. They call us minorities, filled with sins, but they are the true demons, and we cannot let their fear in. No, we must be the ones to win.

We have to unite, because this is all of our fight. What gave them the right to smite what they don’t take the time to understand?

That is right, they were wrong about me, and us, not being able to be understood. If they really took the time to get to know us, under our hoods, and out of our masks, they would see that it isn’t our faith that lacks.

I may be ambiguous, I may not be anyone’s perfect definition of anything. I am not even sure I have a definition at all, but I will not let that ambiguity let me do anything but stand tall.

Pride is in our souls, you can see it in our eyes, the way we laugh, the way we cry, Above all, you must remember, that every action we make leads us to the path we will take. No matter how insignificant you think your life may be, there is always something waiting for us. Even the smallest of rocks colliding with the water make an impact. Those ripples will soon turn into waves, because of this, we must all be brave.

I won’t lie, storms and rough tides will come, but as longs as we stand with each other we can make sure that the only destruction that will occur, is the irrational fear and ignorance in those who have nothing better to do than fight what they do not understand.

We are not the problem, in fact we are the solution to an age old plague of irrational ignorance. Every war begins because of someone’s fear of something different turning into hate.

Use your passion, whatever it may be, to bring light to our cries, and guide us back to calmer seas. Use your life, as a statement, however ambiguous it may be, in the end we all mean something, and it is up to you on what that something will be.

Be ambiguous. Be brave. You can be you, and I can be me; no matter how ambiguous our statements and lives may be.